Today has just been tough. All days are tough since I lost my only son Jason. He died 11 years ago on February 28th...

I know that the disease of addiction killed my son. I know the LSD he took caused my son to wander up three flights and climb out of a stained glass window tumbling to his death.

Brain dead... that building caused me to have to make the decision to remove my child from life support, lay down on the bed with him, my ear to his chest, listening to his last heartbeats much the same way I heard his first heartbeats.

I know that substance abuse caused my son's death. My brain knows that but my heart screams at that damn place when I pass it. When I drive by the apartment building where he lived all I can do is scream at that building, "You killed my son. Damn you! You killed my son!".

The truth is that is addiction killed my son. My mind tells me if the building didn't have six floors Jason wouldn't have been killed by climbing out that damn window. Jason lived on the first floor!

I believe the LSD caused him to not realize that he had gone up to the third floor so he thought he was climbing out his own window on the ground floor which I saw him do on many occasions because he loaned his roommate his car and didn't take just the key off so he would have the door key.

My son had a habit that started as a kid, of climbing in and out the window because he forgot his key, he lost his key, or just because he could. It was one of his quirks. Had been most of his life. I had to replace so many screens just for that reason.

But I hate that damn building. Maybe I just need something to blame that is more tangible to hate.

A disease of the brain killed my son. A disease that hides in the Limbic system of the brain just waiting and lurking for the victim to self-medicate. Once the demon is released it is almost impossible to put it back in the cage.

I look at that third story window and I wonder did he know what was happening? Was he screaming for me because he did call my home to come rescue him because he was freaking out, said he was in hell.... I wasn't home. It was 45 minutes before I could get to him. It was too late.

Some days I refuse to look over there. Some days I am not paying attention and realize I passed it. The building that killed my son.

On those occasions when I am not paying attention or I'm too distracted, thankfully, I am relieved I didn't see it. In the spring and summer I can no longer see the stained glass window because the trees are now grown up that high hiding the window. But in winter there are no leaves and there it is... the building that killed my son.

The limbic system (or Paleomammalian brain) is a set of brain structures including the hippocampus, amygdala, anterior thalamic nuclei, and limbic cortex, which support a variety of functions including emotion, behavior, long term memory, and olfaction

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Comment by kathy on February 3, 2009 at 3:38am
I cant imagine the pain you feel. I am so sorry for your loss.
Comment by ItsAFuckinDisgrace*IBlameYou on February 2, 2009 at 8:01pm
Im sorry to hear that =/

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