Im tired of seeing the same faces everyday. Especially fake ones. I am getting back in the pattern of not talking to anyone. Not good for me. And i respect and love some of you people more than some i consider good friends that i see everyday. I think its a little gay putting shit out there on the internet about my personal life but i need some feedback. I think im losing it. This is why ive been bugging the shit out of some of you about getting together at one of these shows. and august is WAAAY to far away. i need you guys. i need to get away. so if you care to read, cool. if not, i wouldnt either. if you dont know me it may seem like im talking in circles or code but im not trying to. its just most of my friends here already know what im saying. this is normally when i would talk to lisa or kathy online but nobodys on. for some reason you guys have a way of making me feel better about myself than i think of myself. if that makes any sense. with that bullshit out of the way... im gonna throw up on the keyboard.
i miss my baby. fucking terribly. i see her once or twice a week. whenever i can convince her to give her to me. but seeing her isnt enough. i feel like im living half a life without her. i get a sharp painful lump in my throat after i drop her off, every time. i have pictures up in my room of her and i cant look at them. everytime i see her huge beautiful smile in the corner of my eye that lump comes back. i think it fucking sucks that seeing a picture of the most beautiful thing in the world brings me pain. i just cant seem to let it bring me happiness like i feel like it should. and i feel guilty. a couple days a week is NOT enough. its not the amount of time i spend with her. its the family thing. its hearing her say "daddy" everyday. its her grabbing my hand and making me get up and walking me to the kitchen and saying "juice". its putting her down at night and my face being the last thing she sees. its me saying goodnight baby, i love you and her saying "i love you too daddy". its fucking everything. i dont care how hard i work on making my life better, i dont care how much fun i try to have, how much i fight to try and spend time with her its just not enough. my heart is missing. not seeing her everyday fucking kills me. does it ever get easier? i have never felt this way about a person before in my life. i have always been good at not giving a fuck about anything if i wanted to. its very easy for me to get cold and stuff shit down but this little girl wont let that happen. as some of you know i fucking destroyed myself and did whatever i had to do to not feel cause i couldnt deal with not being with her and because of the stress her mother brought. i dont want to go back to that. i WONT go back to that. but i cant seem to just accept the time i do have with her. some of you have seen her. shes gorgeous. she is so beautiful. shes perfect. and shes so cool. i would rather hang out with her than anybody i know. shes the best. and i made her. when im with her i feel like i dont deserve such an amazing gift. and when im not with her i feel like life just isnt the same. i miss her touch. i miss the smell of her hair. i miss the way she sits on my lap and leans on my belly and watches tv. i miss her voice. WHAT THE FUCK. how do i deal with this? i just had her tuesday and will prob have her sunday as long as queen bitch doesnt do anything stupid. i feel like a tool cause im this way and its only been a couple days. but i do. i hate feeling this way. i hate avoiding her pictures. i hate crying. i hate this. i want to do something to take it away. but i cant. how am i supposed to deal with this shit? how does someone who has spent 4 years in jail, shot needles in his neck, robbed people and been shot at deal with all that like its nothing but fucking loses it when it comes to a 3 foot tall little girl with curly hair?
other than that im doing good. REAL GOOD. doing what i gotta do. its just this one thing im struggling with. any feedback is welcome. a few of you that ive talked to about my issues always know how to make me feel better and give me motivation.