In Life we find Love, In Love we find Life

Each day of your childrens lives you love them unconditionally and pray that you teach them right from wrong and they dont make mistakes like you. My oldest has ADHD like myself and is a very addictive personality. At an early age he had problems in school and in life. First it was pot and the "It doesnt lead to anything else." I stood by and watched as he disintigrated before my eyes. The anger, the pain, the words I could not find to make him see what he was doing to himself. I had to wait for him to hit and hit hard. I blamed myself for not finding the words or the way to help him out of his addiction. At the same time my Beautiful daughter was following and she also disintigrated and became out of reach. I had to watched her plight unfold on tv, no one wanted to come and tell me. "Federal Maam you wont see her for a while." She was only 17 and my baby. While she was home on the monitor my oldests turmoil unfolded in front of my eyes. Thrown to the ground, taken away like he was a rabid dog. What was the reason for all of this? Why couldnt I have saved them before their unravelling? Being a Mother of addicts is almost worse than being the addict. I was worthless for a long time. Then as my son started serving his 5 1/2 years for being an addict and in the eyes of the law someone worth throwing away, I realized that this saved his life and the same for my daughter. If not for their arrests they would have died from their disease of an addict.
My son is home now and clean and learning to be the Father he always needed to his own 8 year old son. My daughter is also clean and Mother of a beautiful 4 year old. I believe that everything happens for a reason and although we dont see the reason while things are happening there is a reason. Addiction is a disease, as Alcoholism, Food, Cigarettes etc. We all have our vises, and we all need at least one person to be there when we hit the bottom. If there is no one there, there is no reason to get up. You have to dig deep and stand strong even though you feel like your soul is in shreds and you cant be there anymore. You feel like the addict doesnt care about you or themselves so why should you stay. My reason was because I didnt like what they did, but I loved the hell out of them and there was no way I could leave them alone because alone is the place where the demon finds you.
Believe came out just before he was released and the first time I heard it on the radio I was driving, turned it up, and cried like a baby. My son asked me a million times to Believe in him and I did and I have. Each time I was disapointed as he lost the fight to stay sober again and again. I still Believe, I still Believe I have something to offer, I still Believe in the strength in Love, I still Believe in my Children and Myself. Aarons words and the bands music have reflected our lives. They have become one of the special things we share. I took my Son and my Daughter to the 1 May Niagara Falls show. We stood in front and shared our addiction to STAIND together. This was one of the best highs we've ever had!

Come sit inside my arms,
I will keep you safe.
Dont turn from me,
There's Hell out there,
and Im your safest place.
(Smotha)

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Comment by Debi Harner on August 8, 2009 at 12:41am: I went to Katrena's Viewing after work today. It was really hard. I walked in alone. In the back were pictures of Trena from all ages in her life. Then her Sister, whom Ive never met before came to me. She asked how did I know Trena. I told her we were in jail together. Told her I was there for drug related crimes, just like Trena was. I told her I was clean now a yr & a half. Her sister then walked up to the casket with me. When I seen her, I of course began to cry. She didnt even look like Katrena. As I cried, Her sister hugged me, and she whispered in my ear "She's All Better Now"

I tried to compose myself. I met her Mother, And told her how sorry I was for her loss. Then I left. I'm doing alright now. I think seeing Katrena like that has changed me, even more than I already have changed since my addiction. I cant begin to explain what I mean.
I wanna thank you again, you helped me understand that Things do happen for a reason. I really gonna miss Trena. She was an amazing girl. And I do make sure I tell fam & friends I love them. Whenever me or my brother leaves the house... we always say "c-ya Love-ya"
And I now say it to a new friend... C-ya, Love-ya

Comment by Julie on August 7, 2009 at 8:21am: The poem is so true. I will copy that and keep it in my diary to reflect on. I lost a friend this year and I wondered the same things. She must have been scared, she must have thought of all the people she loved, did she know that it was the end of this world for her? It took me months to get through the what ifs and did she's. Then I realized that she is still here with me and the ones she loved. She is in my thoughts, my heart and in the world with me just in another realm of it where she isnt hurting but can still watch over. I am the one that needs to stay here and live the hard life until its over. I am the one that has the hard choices to make, the one that has the end to be afraid of or not.
I dont know why its so hard to lose people we love and care about. We think that its sad that theyve left this world... but I wonder again if they are thinking the same about us once theyve passed. Do they look down at us and think how sorry they are that they couldnt take us with them into the peacefulness they now have? We dont know what its like after death, we only know what its like to live here. If we were happy truly with our world we wouldnt want to find something to make us happy besides the people we love.
Im glad you found me on this site too. One thing I always do and have done all my life is tell the people I love that I love them. Always. Never forget to say it even if its just a new friend. Its better than any hug you can give. But it doesnt hurt to give them too.
You are a sweet soul and I think I will add you to my adopted. Stay strong today and every day.
Hugs and Love

Comment by Debi Harner on August 6, 2009 at 10:31pm: Julie, first I gotta say...I think you are amazing; I began to cry while reading your comment. I am grateful to be able to say that I am clean. I am grateful that God decided that he was gonna keep me here for a while. Losing Katrena has hit me in a way I cannot explain. I sit here wondering what She went through during her last minutes. Did she know that she was loved? I keep thinking about our last conversation, 3 days before she died. God how I wish I wouldve told her I loved her....told her how much she meant to me. I will be sure to tell her tomorrow. I found this poem online & wanted to share it with you:

"SPENDING YOUR DASH"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> I read of a man who stood to speak
>> >> At the funeral of a friend.
>> >> He referred to the dates on her tombstone
>> >> From the beginning ... to the end.
>> >
>> > He noted that first came her date of birth.
>> >> And spoke the following date with tears.
>> >> But he said what mattered most of all
>> >> Was the dash between those years.
>> >
>> >> For that dash represents all the time
>> >> That she spent alive on earth ...
>> >> And now only those who loved her
>> >> Know what that little line is worth.
>> >
>> >> For it matters not, how much we own;
>> >> The cars ... the house ... the cash.
>> >> What matters is how we live and love
>> >> And how we spend our dash.
>> >
>> >> So think about this long and hard ...
>> >> Are there things you'd like to change?
>> >> For you never know how much time is left.
>> >> That can still be rearranged.
>> >
>> >> If we could just slow down enough
>> >> To consider what's true and real,
>> >> And always try to understand
>> >> The way other people feel.
>> >
>> >> And be less quick to anger,
>> >> And show appreciation more
>> >> And love the people in our lives
>> >> Like we've never loved before.
>> >
>> >> If we treat each other with respect,
>> >> And more often wear a smile ...
>> >> Remembering that this special dash
>> >> Might only last a little while.
>> >
>> >> So, when your eulogy's being read
>> >> With your life's action's to rehash ...
>> >> Would you be proud of the things they say
>> >> About how you spent your dash?

I thought this was really beautiful:)
Thank you for your kind words...and as you said, "everything happens for a reason & the people we meet in our lives, whether its obvious or subtle...change it in some way. I truely believe that I came across your original blog post, for a reason. You touch my heart and believe me when I say.... I CAN feel that hug that youre giving to me:) I Thank you :)

Comment by Julie on August 5, 2009 at 8:24am: Debi this is a hard story to read yet it has happened to my childrens friends and a few of my own. Its very hard to be in your spot and thinking what if and why didnt I know, but you wouldnt have and you couldnt have. She may have been trying to give you clues by asking about the patch but in the long run it was her decision just like your addiction was yours. No one was able to stop you even though Im sure they tried and it tore their heart out to watch. Now you are on the other side and you feel what the people that love you felt. I know that your Mother is very grateful that you found the strength to get to the other side because as a Mother losing a child to addiction is the thing we fear the most.
Now that your friend is gone the torch is all yours to carry and as she looks down on you she will be proud that you choose every day to be strong and live your life drug free. Everyone is in our lives for a reason. You have to hold the good times close to your heart and be happy that you had the time with her that you did. We are only mortal, we cannot save anyone but ourselves. Think of her often and keep her close to your heart. Remember that you are still here and that you will see her again one day but it will be the day that God choses not a day that you made the wrong choice. I wish you could feel the hug I would like to give you. Stay strong, be well, and go spend the day with your son laughing and enjoying your life.

Comment by Debi Harner on August 4, 2009 at 8:29pm: I felt the NEED to share this with you all.... This past Sunday...August 2nd. I recieved a text message from a close friend of mine....
It consisted of Only two words....
"Katrena Died"
Now Katrena was a girl I met While I was in Jail. She was there for the same reason I was. Drug Addictions, and the crimes following those addictions. We became good friends and continued that friendship after we both were released from jail.
Now, for me, going to jail Saved my life, Ive been clean since May 6th 2008. I was so sure Katrena was doing good & stayin clean. I was dead wrong. It kills me inside Knowing she is the 3rd of my friends to die from an overdose. I cried like a big baby when I heard the news. I had spoken to her just 3 days before she died. I can almost still hear her voice. God help me...If I had only known.
When I told my mom what had happened...She said she was sorry, and that it couldve been me. saying there was nothing I couldve done & it wasnt my fault. But Ya see...When I talked to her, She asked me questions about a drug patch, that probation makes u wear for 5 days.she knew to ask me because I am also on probation. At the time I didnt really think that she may have been asking my those questions because she knew she wasnt gonna pass the drug test. WHY didnt I see that it was so apparent that she was using again? Why didnt I see it and Do something?
My Mom ended by saying 5 Amazing words to me....
IM SO PROUD OF YOU!
I then began to cry some more.
I look at myself and still cant believe I got that shit out of my life. during my addiction, I didnt think I would ever be able to stop. I did.
I also know that No matter if I wanted Katrena to stay clean, only she couldve stopped it.
My heart goes out to Katrena's family. I will Miss her Dearly. She was a great person and didnt deserve this. I think The hardest thing will be seeing her layin there in a place she doesnt belong. I dont know how I will handle seeing her there. I do know that I will kiss her and tell her that she was loved and that she will be missed!

Comment by Debi Harner on June 22, 2009 at 5:30pm: I hope you will NEVER have to go through this with your children...but chances are, they will come into contact with it, whether they are able to walk away from it is up to THEM, not you. Being an addict...I never really knew what it was like for my Mom....I couldnt see the things she saw...I sure as hell couldnt feel what she felt. But She never gave up on me...even when I thought that she did....When she didnt visit me in jail...I felt she stopped tryin. Only now, do I know....She NEVER stopped...She was there...she was in my heart the whole time...when youre an addict you dont see the heart. you dont see nothing. its hard to explain it to you...but trust me...if you ever have to go through anything like this, Do what you think is best, not what your son thinks is best. If he says he hates you...Love him More. You'll be glad you did:) And I promise you...So will you:) I am a mother of a 9yr old...I cant tell you what I would do if he got caught up in it.....All I know Is I'm STILL here...If I can Make it through...Anyone who wants its bad enough, can and will do the same. You, as a Mom cant want it...They have to want it, and until they do...all you can do is just be....Mom :)

Comment by Danielle on June 22, 2009 at 1:05am: Awesome story...so glad you shared this....So many parents sit by and ignore whats right under their nose...Its awesome that you were always there for them, and continue to do so...Its so easy for people to say "shut them out...they need tough love", but you gave them something better, Unconditional love! Thats what all parents say they wanna give, but its easy when its smooth sailing..Your love was tested many times it seems, and obviously you never gave up on them! I have a lil boy whos getting ready to turn 2, and I hope he has a great life, free from all the ugly...but if things arent "wonderland" , I can only hope that I can be as strong as you have been! Very inspiring!

Comment by Debi Harner on May 21, 2009 at 8:03pm: Nate, Keep ya head up. Take it from me...this side of the tracks is so much better:) I now have a reason to get out of bed:)

Comment by Debi Harner on May 21, 2009 at 7:59pm: "Its Been awhile...since I could hold my head up high"
"Its been awhile since I could say I wasnt addicted"
"Its been awhile since I could say I loved myself as well"
"Its been awhile since Ive gone and fucked things up just like I always do"
"Its been awhile, But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you"

I THANK AARON LEWIS... THIS SONG SAVED MY LIFE

Comment by Debi Harner on May 21, 2009 at 7:53pm: Julie, Thank you for that. I dont even know you, and we've never met, Yet reading your words, Made me cry. I cant explain to you the amazing feeling I get when I hear I made someone proud. I'm not proud of some of the things Ive done in the past... But Today I hold my head high even when people try to knock me down...I can FINALLY say... I'm Happy now:) I can FINALLY say That I no longer Hate myself! Funny how my 9 year old son, Showed me the real meaning of life:) B4 I went to jail, I was here with him... But I wasnt REALLY here. I never intended to hurt my mom...or anyone else. There were times I thought I was gonna die from my addiction...There were times that it was what I wished for. I wanted to stop, but I always fell, time and time again, 4 over 6yrs! I did some unthinkable things to my mom...Yet She still stood next to me, not in front or behind, but right next to me. I owe her my life. I gotta tell you that comments like the one you left me, Is the reason I can keep going. Thank you:)